I have to go back to Nac day after tomorrow.
Am I ready? No.
Kat's coming to spend the night tomorrow night as a last goodbye kind of deal.
I have so much pent up towards almost everyone I've met in Nac. ha. These thoughts are forking my tongue in an attempt to turn it them to unnoticed whispers in the grass. Things I've tried to avoid thinking, ran desperately from saying.
Lost a total of 10 pounds this break. Hope to reach my ugw by March 1. What empty Gods I have.

Everyone says I look thinner than when I left. This means more to me than anyone can possibly imagine!
So yesterday was killer. Basically I got high as fuck with Seattle, Greg, and Liz. Then we got Kat and went downtown to Scrooge's and I had two PIna Coladas. No food yesterday at all. GO ME! I knew I could break this binging cycle. All it took was my friends!
Unfortunately, I think I threw out most of my stomach lining again. I"m awake right now trying my damndest not to puke water and air. Kind of in pain, but I've had worse so I'll deal.
I never want to leave!

Well things have been 50/50.
Someone's making me feel bad that I don't feel the same way. I should have known.

Being home is great. I love all of my friends so much. There's something there I don't get in Texas. I wish Apollo was here. He'd drive up at midnight to go listen to Coheed and taste cigarettes with me. I'll go see him in February. I have to. I really can't live without that kid.

I'm never going to want to go back to Texas. Seeing Kat and Liz tomorrow and FINALLY getting shitfaced is just...something. I heard their voices tonight over phone cords. I can't believe I just up and left to the states like that. I don't want to do it again, but I know I'll have to. One month is just not enough. We're planning another trip liek the one we did to Paris, but we can't decide where to go!

Feeling overwhelmed. I'll cry over a cig. and drift to sleep.

Tell me I don't need something
as my body slides down the silver.
A barely dresed no one...how lovely to aspire to be the innoncence that wraps the whore.

Imagining my walk back home; I'm sure I'll be freezing and loaded with cash
My worth in numbers over again.
My Idol's song is a redumdant reminder of where I've never been and what I'll always be
            Today I'm dirty, want to be pretty, know now that I'm forever dirt
Let's depend on my nightmares that get me through, the dreams aren't enough 
They leave me open handed and tragic
Paint  pretties my eyes and lace frames my hips-
I'll give you all my love and attention if you give better tips. 


So ya- basically I just got accepted for a job as a stripper. I'm really excited because all those eyes on me will force me to push the goals I have for my body. But I'm also really nervous for the same reason. All those eyes on me...what if I'm not good enough for their pocket change? I've had mixed reactions from my friends. Some are really mad at me, others are really supportive. i appreciate the latter since I'll probably have to borrow some courage to get me through my nights now. 
I know what I'm doing is questionable but i need the money and the motive. 
I had one person tell me I was "better than that". An interesting thought, and a complete lie. More than anything I'm dissapointed that this person obviously doesn't see me for who I really am. If he did, he wouldn't say that. He would know "better than that". Is it twisted that I took it as an insult? First reaction I had... B U T I love this person dearly, so I'll keep my mouth shut and arms open. I miss his hugs. ;(

I'm so sorry, but I feel compelled to waste your exhaled words.  I can't help but watch the fluttering static of a compliment brush through my hair as it slips away slips away slips away.
I said goodbye to beauty a long time ago in search of something that would last forever, but all I found was a shatter-glass dream of what I'll never be. Tear my heart into strings and use them as extensions of a personality, I'll give it time to control.


Wish me away...

Lookie at what I found from my old xanga site...a free write!!! 

Another sacrifice to the same cult. Ana, my Goddess, I've failed you. Mia, embrace me, come forth. (and how it comes...) The calm reflection in still water, the distorted and somehow accurate frame of myself is then peirced with my sin. Visible infractions in colourful schemes- I can count the ways I've defied you. This is my confession-yes I swear I'm a true believer! I swear I'll keep going until my body heaves bile, uncontrolled. I swear on this shot of acid, this mass of fat, this tear uncried... I swear I'll be better (just lift this away). Confession, punishment, redemption. May I ask when I'll be saved? Your book of fascist love forshadows no salvation.
How can I love this self destructive haven? Finding solace in the long learned silencing of retching...what an intricate and obvious dance

So I met this..girl...who said she's willing to give "us" a try.
This could go either way.

Shallow hopes on point in stilettos and fractured images in perfect mirrors. I'll let the streetlights permeate myself on every layer, like I wish you were here to do. What an endless dream, what a pointless facade. With every pulse to my thoughts brings the longing for attatchment with spider-spun lines and graceless scars of time.
For now I'll let the midnight lights warm.
For now I"ll let glowing waves carry me home.
Over oceans of black and blue we chose to make,
We find ourselves akward in absence of blades.
Oh you fashionable breakdown , we bring out the best in the ribbons of failure we flaunt on our chest. Such a nasty stain on our ephemeral aesthetics as we'd inhale the poison and exhale regret. (Make the pens go through meltdown and burn a goodbye...)
I'll stand in the frozen electric embrace.
Diminish ourselves without god damned trace.
The night's kissing ice to my efforts unshown,
I'll let the streetlights carry me home...

Well basically my life is going well. Which means in about 1.5 weeks, it's all going to blow up in my face.
It's okay; this time I'm braced for it.
I'm going to look up info for the University of Puerto Rico. I think that's where I'll be transferring to. I'm not too interested in staying in Texas...I can't follow my passions here.

Well last night was wonderful!
A Scenic Remembrance played so well! They really were incredible. John and I stayed out until 5 am getting donuts and whatnot. It was around that time I decided to stop being lazy and whip my ass back into shape. I bought another workout tape, which brings my total (over here anyway) to four. I'm doing them all today. Then I'll do two one day and two the next for as long as I can. I also bought ankle and wrist weights to wear around. I'm really excited and can NOT wait for my body to get back to the way it was when I first got here. GO ME! lol!
Other than working out, I really don't know what I'm doing today...

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
So Chas wrote me today. I'm so excited about it! I effin love Chas.
Madrid needs to get its act together; no one wants to see a fat model.
I miss my friends. :(
I like my new friends. :)
Pizza has a bad aftertaste.
Time for a cigarette.


FOR THOSE THAT GET IT. F= 12:00 am Wednesday  Oct. 25, 2006- 14 days. No holds barred.

I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I hate the girls here. I fucking hate the girls here.

What a cliche you've turned out to be. Another one lit, another one spent. I watched you plead unique on a new batch of hearts (an unfortunate jury of one unjaded bitch.) If I had seen how quick the evidence would persecute innocence, I would not find myself handcuffed and wrapped as a part of your new testimony.
YOU ARE JUST LIKE ALL THE OTHERS.  


On a more solid note, I'm about to head up to Garrett's to chill out with Matt and Dirk. Fun stuff. But first I'ma take a shower and down some Cap'n Crunch. Fuck ya. Then I'm going to attempt to clean Garrett's bathroom *passes out*.

So here I am...
Sitting here next to John at Garrett's house. Not much to say. I got a nose full of eclair at about 4 am this morning. Thank you, Dirk, for never being able to forget you.
And I've just been informed that Tacos rule. Apparantly John's never seen my actual writing shit, because he says this is the most literal post eva. Usually I speak in metaphors.
John feels unworthy. But he's in the post. So he should be happy- his nostril isn't full of eclair jiz.
Apparantly, my snorting WHAT THE FUCK IS JUICE?!? also has a time schedule. I want some grape drink.Like a period. But not.
And tomorrow I shall ask about Garrett's nano-bot collection. It's on the list of things to do. As if I ever made a bullshit thing like that. Ha.
I bought a new jacket. (Raises arms completely parallel to body. THis shall further more be known as The Garrett.)
My feet aren't numb anymore.


P.S. FUCK BEES. 
Don't do bees on paper. It makes them mad.